piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
