Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
