party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
