I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
