Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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