I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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