The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize