I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
