spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
