Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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