my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Moan for me like Helen Keller
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
