By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize