Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
barbara walters just said penis...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
