Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
