All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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