were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
