guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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