he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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