If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
