i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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