Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
