You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
