I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize