i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
