turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
