He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
