cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
