we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize