Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
