I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
