: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize