new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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