I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
