two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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