My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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