she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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