Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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