Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
