i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
