Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize