there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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