I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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