how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
