I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
