My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
