So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
