She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
