just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
