Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
