glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
