craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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