Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
