Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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