i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
