everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
