I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
