Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
