you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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