So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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