Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
