Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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