thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
