I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize