you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Sorry my hands just texted you
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
