I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
