I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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