it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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