what day is it and did you see me today?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
