Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
